Letting Go.

I mentioned on my blog that I was taking a vacation from blogging.  In fact I am going to take a break from most of the online world altogether.  But somehow I don't want to take a break from this space.  I actually look forward to seeing what you send out to me each week.  Your presence here makes me feel better.  I loved reading your post about your son's birthday.  Right now I don't know how I'm going to make it into next week, let alone make it through all these days and situations between here and when my girls make twenty.  Seeing that you have done this ahead of me makes me feel that much better.

Not to mention your buddha.  I loved and needed your buddha post.  I'm glad you posted the words that went with it.  It's been stressful here and I needed to know that buddha says it's okay.

I went to the doctor today.  She laughed at me.  I sat on the crinkly paper on the table and she walked in and asked what was going on. 

And suddenly it all seemed ridiculous because all I had was "I'm super tired and my arms keep feeling like their falling asleep".   Doesn't that sound ridiculous?

She's loaded me up with tests.  I groaned.  Made a face.  She laughed she knows me well. Bloodwork,  thyroid test, EMG's, X-Rays, Sleep test.  I wanted to just run out of the office and say it's okay, never mind, silly me, I just have a stressful life and maybe if I go home and sleep 17 hours I might feel better.

She knew because she said, "we'll just take it one step at a time".

This is what I love about my doctor.  I first went to see her when my life was falling apart.  I think it might have been my second ever visit that I fell to pieces in her office, disgusting sobbing, forlorn crying.   It was when all the lies and deceit and chaos were coming out about my ex-husband's addiction; it was when I was in the deep dark void of depression and anxiety.  I basically said to her if I don't get help it's going to be the end of me.  It felt so good to finally let that go and say that to someone, to admit I needed help.

I think though more than any test can tell (besides the arm, I think that might be a nerve issue) my fatigue is coming from being overwhelmed.  Too much noise, too much static, too much stress.  There are certain things I cannot take away.  I still have to raise two children.  I still have to work, children require income to bring up.  I still have to provide food, and baths, a meal and a bedtime story.

So something has to give and for right now it's all that extraneous stuff.  Other people's stuff.  I have enough of my own stuff to deal with right now, thank you very much.  I don't need others.  My best of friends I've made here in the online world, the ones I've connected the closest with,  the ones who pick me up when I need it or tell me, hey you're doing a great job; I've got other connetions with them.  Most of them are Facebook friends, or at least we have email.  Everyone else must go, at least for now until I'm feeling better or at least a bit more in control.  I know it sound harsh, but it's true.  Along with the newspaper, the financial meltdown of our nation and all the injustice in the world.  It will probably all still be there when I get back.

I think it's funny and I've said this before.   I think perhaps you were sent to me to remind me to take it slow, one day at a time and all.  Let the dust lie, go read a book.  Take care of yourself.

With every ounce that I have, I wish that you did not have to deal with your CFS.  When I am lying here wiped out, I think about you and what you must go through.  It's a lesson for me though.  Don't take your health for granted.   When you need to take care of yourself, take care of yourself. 

So on that note, I'm thinking that the Dusty Professor, that new husband of yours, might be ditching you soon for a week or so.  So what is one newly married woman going to do with that time alone?  Or kind of alone?  You know.  What good books are you going to read?  What goodies are coming from the bakery?  I had a week alone with no girls and I pretty much read books and watched movies and ate pasta.

But you know what I'm learning that's okay too.

P.S.  I didn't post a photo today either.  I really didn't have one and I figured that could be just one more thing I let go.  If I have one I'll post it, if not, no stress!!  Otherwise there's always Wednesday right?