when i grow up.

I sat down the other day when we talked about revisiting dreams and thought not only about what I envisioned my dream life to look like from a sense of place but also from a sense of what I wanted to be doing.  How I wanted my "work" to represent myself.  It seems a bit ridiculous to be sitting at the age of "just shy of 40" and say I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I should be grown up, and I should be "something".

I loved what you said about not needing "big" dreams.  I like that your ideas for a happy future involve small things, like gardens and tortoises.  Whereas you say that you have never allowed yourself to reach out for something grand, I seem to be unable to rein mine in.  What I like so much about you is your sense of contentment in your place and I know that is not 100% true.  I know you think beyond the scope of your front door, but I can never seem to get away from the urgency of needing to be something other than what I am.

So I dream that little dream and then it happens....what always happens.  My mind takes off on a journey of it's own.  It's never simple enough as to be, say, "one day soon I hope to be a _____".  It goes something like this.

I want to work from home.  I want to be my own boss.  I want to be a writer, either magazine contributions, or books, novels or photo journals.  I want to be a photographer, having my work in a gallery, or selling off prints or postcards.  I could do unique and unusual portraits for people, capturing their innermost qualities and letting them shine through.  I want to work with young girls, those in  the midst of their awkward, self-involved teenage years or those on the brink.  I could work with them and help them find themselves through creative outlets.  I want to have classes or seminars where they can come and explore writing, or painting or sketching or photography and express without fear of retribution who and what they are becoming. I want to be a yoga instructor, teaching to children.  I've thought of being a teacher again, having dropped out of college in my early twenties to do just that.  I've dreamed of being a wellness professional, a park ranger, a bakery owner.

I do this until I have so many ideas of what I "could" do that I can no longer see through the clutter at what I "should" do.  I do this until I just sit down with my head stuck in the midst of too many thoughts and just give up.

Apparently I've never felt good enough to be just who I am.  Right now, I work as a bank teller, or a bank cashier as you would say, and it's good work.  I know I will bring home a paycheck every two weeks, I know there will always be enough money for me to buy groceries and clothing and a little more for nights out and little surprises.  I know that when one of us falls ill we have medical insurance that will pay for trips to the doctor and the medicines we need.  (We do not have national healthcare as you do, our medical insurance is paid partly by both your employer and yourself, if you are self-employed you pay the entire chunk.  As an employee, I pay $167.00 per pay as my portion for medical insurance just for myself, not counting the girls, so you can see how costly that would be if I didn't work or we just had to forgo it).

So there are reasons that I do what I do now.  The stability and the protection. I am the sole supporter of my girls, so I must do what I can in this given situation to provide for them.  My current job, though about half the pay grade I used to have, enables me to be at home on the weekends and to also leave only 10 minutes earlier and about 45 minutes later than the girls have school each day.  And thankfully, I have my father and grandparents who are both retired and live close to usher them to and from the school bus each day. So in the end the job I have now allows me to be the mother I need to be for my girls.  I can financially support them and I have (almost) enough time to be here when they need me to be "mom". 

In the end and after spilling all this out to you, it seems there is only one job that really matters to me and that is the job of "mother".  I think sometimes that perhaps that title is the only one that really matters and all the rest is just either a means to an end or a bonus.  If at the end of my days, I can say I raised the girls to become happy and strong women than perhaps no matter how I got there, that is the one thing I can be proud of.  I know that you raised your son alone and that you were responsible for a huge part of his education.  So what do you think?  Was motherhood for you the thing that guided what you did in life?  And now that he is older how do you look at where to go next?  I love these days growing my girls.  I cannot imagine what my life's purpose will be once they are grown.  So maybe, that is where all those big schemes that I listed above come into play.  Or maybe I will just look forward to getting a full night's rest or a little time to sit in the breeze uninterrupted and read a book.