Motherhood and what comes next

                                                                                                                             “Your children are not your children

                                                                                               They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself

                                                                                               They come through you but not from you

                                                                                               And though they are with you yet they belong not to you”

                                                                                                                                                    Kahlil Gibran, On Children                                                                                         

  

As a child I didn't know what to say in answer to the question what did I want to be when I grew up? All I ever wanted to be was grown up. Last year I was asked what I dreamed of as a 10 year old, and that is all I could say, I just wanted to be an adult. As I grew, I still didn't have any idea what I wanted to do, or be. I detested school and got out as soon as I could at age 16 with few qualifications, just enough to get me a job as a clerical assistant in the Civil Service. I did that for a while, then went to work in the magistrates' courts service. Those jobs were okay, some I liked more than others. I was glad to leave work to have my baby.

My son was born when I was 23 and yes, he was the focus of everything I did from then on. I found my vocation in being his mother, I loved it, and would have loved more children and to spend even more years raising them. It is the most interesting and rewarding thing I have ever done, by a long way. I loved watching him grow, helping him to discover the world. I even loved the fact that it was just the two of us, although it was sometimes hard, and there was never enough money. To make ends meet I took in ironing, did cleaning, babysitting, various little bits and pieces to earn a little extra money whenever I could. I rarely went anywhere without him, and from the age of eleven he was home educated which meant we went everywhere together almost all of the time. There was a lot of fun in our house, and a lot of love. There still is. 

He will be 20 years old in July. Over the years they need you less, but that is exactly what you want for them. All the time my son was growing up, I knew these days would come, but they seemed so far away and now all of a sudden, I don’t know where the years have gone. It doesn’t quite seem like the proverbial ‘yesterday’ when I was holding that little baby in my arms in the hospital,  but it seems like maybe five or six years, except that somehow in the intervening years I have become middle aged.

You asked, now he is older how do I look at where to go next? The honest answer is I don't really know. A few years ago I went back to work, but had to leave last year because of my ongoing health problems. Work, at least the jobs I have had, has never been very enjoyable. At least, I have never had a job that I would continue to do if I didn't have to for the money. I think most people just end up doing whatever pays the bills, and probably don't even think of what they would like to be doing. How wonderful it would be to have a job that you love!

For the past year or so a lot of my time and creative energies went into planning my wedding in April and now normal life has resumed. Like you, I have things I would like to do, or be. Somehow I don't quite know how to get there. I don't know where to start.