No photograph today. I am very tired. A lovely weekend filled with driving on the coast and in the country, taking photographs, a vintage fair filled with all sorts of delights, a wonderful dinner with good friends, and I am exhausted. It seems there is always this pay off for having a good time. What am I to do, when the alternative is to stay at home and rest all the time? I rarely leave the house on weekdays as it is. I long for the weekends, when the Prof is home and we have the car and usually go out somewhere. I just hate that it often takes me half the week or more to recover.
I am in good spirits, I am not depressed, which is remarkable really as being able to do as little as I seem to be able to IS damn depressing. I try to take pleasure in little things - my coffee with cream in the mornings, reading, the flowers in the garden (the ones that survive with no care whatsoever as I haven't been able to do anything out there this year at all), time with friends - though each visit or outing has its payback. The truth is, weekdays are boring. It's not that I don't go out to work - hell, I don't need a job to amuse myself. There are courses I could take (creative writing, photography, yoga, a degree?) places to go (museums, art galleries, parks, cafes to write), things to do at home (organising, decluttering, decorating, baking, gardening, writing) - but the truth is I can only manage to do a tiny bit of what I would like to. Some days I can do very little at all - those days are the worst, when holding my arms up long enough to brush my hair is difficult, and taking a shower and making a cup of tea and some toast is the most I manage all day. So mostly, weekdays find me at home and doing very little. Yet sometimes I get away with it. I spend a couple of hours walking around the shops, or go out somewhere with a friend, and the next day I feel fine! A miracle that has me smiling all day. Too often, though, the next day I wake up feeling dreadful and realise the payback was just deferred.
I am realising there are activities I find restful (reading, country drives in the car) and others which sap me. Writing and thinking both tire me, so I am left in a quandary. I enjoy writing, but it and the associated thinking and planning wear me out. On a bad day, brain fog and inability to concentrate mean it can take me hours to write a blog post. This isn't the post I started out to write today, but this is how I feel. I am so very tired. I feel like I need a long, long rest. The trouble is I almost always feel like that.
i am so sorry my friend. i wish there was some remedy i could send you. though it does bring me pleasure to know about those little things you relish. i find it remarkable you keep a firm mind about you in the midst of so much difficulty.
ReplyDeleteso here we are both very tired and in need of rest. perhaps we could find a little cottage out in your country to take a long, long nap??
i think perhaps this is the post you were meant to write today.....one that came from your heart.
hugs across the sea!
jennifer
I think there may be a lot of us feeling tired and in need of a good, restoring rest. Even in quiet, even lives, there's so much to take in, see, hear, smell, eat and think about that our minds and thoughts are busy even while we appear to be going about life in a restful sort of way. [sigh] You're not alone. Hugs to you both.
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