weekend update: lots of leaves

Just Now Friday A.M. October 28, 2011

Just Now...


Current time: 7:38 a.m.

In my glass: Earl Grey Creme/English Breakfast mix, with milk and honey


In my belly: nothing yet, get girls ready first.


In my ears: whenever i get in a muck, i always turn to Jack Johnson.


Out the window: the cold blew in last night, but i think the sun may make an appearance today.


On the editor: quick pics i took last night of myself for today.


Last watched:  Hawaii Five-O, recently became addicted to this remake, hook, line and sinker.


Feeling good about:  my little one is sick, taking her to the doctor this a.m., but happy to be able to snuggle her up when she needs "mommy".


Feeling bad about: having to use another 10 hours sick time from work to do the above.


By my bedside:  Cyndi Lee's Om Yoga, working out a weekly practice.  i like this book because it's spiral bound and lies flat on the floor.


Making me think: don't know if you've ever seen this, but these three words keep running through my head and that's a good thing.  "i am enough".  link not showing, but the words in bold will take you over.

slump week.

i don't have any photos today myself.  i took a limited amount at the party Saturday, but was too busy playing host, as it should be.  some weeks i pick up the camera and take lots of photos around the house but this week i've just not felt like it.  i'm in this weird sort of slump.  no energy, no enthusiasm, general lack of caring really about doing anything around here.

i can't pinpoint it.  partly recovery after the busy weekend with the party. partly because i've not been sleeping well. partly because i'm pre-menstrual.  partly, because i'm still trying to process the end of this relationship that has had no closure, partly because he cut off contact with me and now I with him. partly because i'm thinking of taking on writing this novel that both thrills and scares the hell out of me, fear of failure, yes.

it's in these times that i, like you, think about de-cluttering, making simple.  but the thought of that is always easier than the actual action, which can seem overwhelming.  if you are anything like me the actual weight of too many things on my mind, can feel more burdensome than any physical strain.  unfortunately, i know my friend you sometimes have the burden of both.

in truth, i've been neglecting the very things that would make me more whole.  i've not been on the yoga mat the past week which has left me with this nervous energy at night, my eating has fallen by the wayside into comfort food overload which leaves me sluggish, and when i should be embracing the wisdom i usually find in Buddhist truths on change and fear, this morning was the first morning i dared sit with a loving kindness meditation and that was driving down the road to work.

it's one of those, oh no, things are a bit burdensome right now kind of weeks.  i'm hoping a quiet weekend and returning to the yoga mat will help.  i may have to pick up the book of my old friend when i'm down, pema chodron.

hope you are feeling better.  cheers to a finer week next week.

weekend update: sunday breakfast, october style

it's officially fall now, the date having changed almost a month ago, but really feeling it now.  this morning i tried a new recipe for baked oatmeal.  i used thawed frozen blueberries and fresh apples, but you could actually make it with any combination of amazing fruits.  it got a triple thumbs up, the girls having devoured two great big platefuls this morning fresh from the oven.  even emily's friend "witchy cat" newly found from the basement with the halloween decorations seemed to agree.  next sunday will be the morning after the girl's halloween party.  do you do all the halloween shenanigans and trick-or-treating there in England?  I imagine after entertaining a dozen young girls for the evening Saturday, we will be having a very easy breakfast next weekend.

sharing burdens

because you know me so well you know it's been a trying week

this month is a very busy month for us

much to do every weekend

our own making

we will go to renaissance faire next week

and then the girls will have a halloween party the next

in it all i've been worried about my baby

and i've ended a relationship i think i had no business starting

but i've had long conversations with you and several other friends

and i've realized we've all got our burdens and our problems

and perhaps what we do is just pass it around

and we feel a little better because we speak it aloud

and we know we are not alone with our burdens

because when you stay alone with your fears

suddenly the world is a very scary place

i am glad for you friend

maybe i don't find the time to say it in the day to day

you have become a blessing for me

knowing you are just an email away

never judging, always supportive

all these miles away 

never having met

but understanding

thank you

Weekend Update: a little bit of fall

Here and There: 10 Things About me

1/  My (unfortunate) favorite food is pasta.  Any kind, any way.

2/  I can make the perfect sound of a seagull in my throat.

3/  I love the sound of the cello, so morbid and beautiful at the same time.

4/  I am a night owl.  It is a struggle for me to get to bed before ten and wake before six.  I do it only out of necessity and very reluctantly.

5/  Though I've promised to always keep my hair long, I rarely ever wear it down.  I can't stand it in my face.  

6/  I've decided that finally at the age of 40 next year I am going to get a tattoo.  A small one, a word, on my foot. Ouch!

7/  When I drive past animals killed on the road, I always say Bless You.  Roadkill irritates me.  I've been driving now for twenty-three years and I've hit an animal accidentally twice.  I wish people would slow down and pay attention.  I've also been known to bless, gloves, bags and empty fast food containers before realizing what they are.

8/ I've had too much to drink three times in my life, once in my failed first year at college, once two nights before my wedding day in celebration and once during the horrible period of my divorce.  Now that I am a single mother I would never dream to do it again.


9/  When I was young I was a sleepwalker.  I once unloaded the refrigerator into my toy shopping cart and once walked out the door to my neighbor's house in my sleep.  Karelyn is a sleepwalker too.

10/  And lastly, I love goats.  More than any other farm animal.  My great-grandparents kept goats right here in this very spot where I live now.  Here is a photo my grandmother gave me of me and the goats in what is now my backyard. Super cool huh?  Maybe one day after I raise my own kids.

one step at a time

(a moment at home)

I loved your last post.  I had actually never heard that quote before, probably given my fondness for elephants and all, but no, really how much sense does that make.

It seems that to me everything is best taken one step at a time.  I have found it so much easier to not think too far ahead.  We are very similiar in very different ways.  Though I do not have your medical issues that keep me from doing everything I would like, I do have some major time constraints.  Somedays I get disheartened by what has not been done and forget to look at all that has been done which in themselves seem like mundane things but are really a lot of littles that add up to a lot.  Tonight I patted myself on the back because I cleaned the cat bin, cooked dinner, did the dishes, made sure homework was done, signed off on school papers, got library books in the backpacks for school tomorrow, made tea and picked up for my parent's visit tonight and got Karelyn in and out of the bath. To think that I was up at 6:00 a.m. packed lunches, made breakfast and got us all ready to go out the door and worked a full day, makes me quite proud.

But about the home.  Yes, I know.  I have been in my current home now, three years.  I have absolutely nothing on my walls except a lone calendar.  I still have no furniture in my bedroom, just a bed and a file cabinet holding my lamp and alarm clock.  The basement still holds a mass of clutter that dates back to the move from the divorce.  And then there is the dog that is leaving masses of hair everywhere she walks and lays.

I did get some furniture for the living room with a lump sum child support settlement and we painted last year, the girls getting pretty pink and purple rooms and a beautiful spring green for my bathroom.  It's amazing what a little color can do.

I think you are doing the right thing, doing one bit.  Now I operate in a very simple manner.  I try very hard not to multi-task anymore, it usually ends up in disaster.  If I had started the day looking at that long paragraph above here I would have fallen in to panic or perhaps (as I'm prone to do) frozen and not done anything.  In fact for a moment this morning when the girls were bickering non-stop, I almost contemplated calling work and crawling back into bed.  (Obviously, I didn't).  So now it is this.

Now I am cooking.  (Don't look at dishes in sink).  Now we are going to do homework.  Now we are packing lunches.   Now I am going to go upstairs and take a hot bath.  Sometimes things get forgotten, emails to friends, piles of papers on the stairs, a form that needed filled out in the kitchen.  But oh well.

I hope you continue on this little homemaking journey and manage great success one corner, one stack one (literal) step at a time.

I hope to somehow get there myself.  And remember when all else fails, if the people who fill up your home are smiling, then it is a happy one, and that's all that counts.

P.S.  I remember you had a photo one day of your kitchen with a lemon shaped timer in it.  I just went all the way through this blog and realized perhaps I saw it on your personal blog.  I am a great believer in setting the timer for fifteen to twenty minutes and having a go at it.

Here and There: Favorite Childhood Books

my beloved Trixie Belden series

One of the first books I remember loving and reading and re-reading was called "The Adventures of a Brownie".  I don't know where it came from and I've tried to find it again but it is difficult to find.  I did find an online version here, but the illustrations seem different than from my memory.  I think they were different because I remember Brownie looking tiny and not so very scary and the book had an old brown or green cover I cannot remember which and the cover was very thready.  This is the same version of the story though for I remember Brownie living in the coal cellar and I remember the cat and Dolly the cow.  I see the publish date was 1947, so I don't know how we came to have it, whether it was my mother's or picked up somewhere, perhaps I will see if she remembers, but always I remember it being one I would pick up and read over and over again.

That is the one I remember from the furthest back.  There are others though that I have loved enough to hunt down and collect.

There were two other books I also remember reading over and over again and strangely they were about dolls.  I never remember playing with dolls growing up, but somehow I took to these books.  There was a pink book that was illustrated by Edward Gorey (I loved the illustrations before I even was old enough to know how cool Edward Gorey was) and it was called Merry, Rose and Christmas Tree June and I remember Jane's Great Aunt wanting to show her off and going to the Doll-Arama that had all the fancy dolls and always remember the description and crazy picture of one's hair falling out.  In the end Jane fancies a plain old doll that doesn't "do" anything on an upper shelf behind forgotten Christmas ornaments.

The other book was from when I was a bit older and it was called Behind The Attic Wall and an unloved orphan goes to live with her Great-Aunts (again with the great Aunts) and hears voices beyond the wall where she discovers living dolls, a mystery, love, and imagination.  I actually bought this book for Emily to read a year ago.  She didn't seem to be as fond of it as I was, but it remains my favorite and I'm glad to have it to read again.

Most of all though the one that has stuck with me was the Trixie Belden mystery series.  Trixie Belden is the thing in my family.  We have all read them.  My mother and my Aunts read them.  They are huge fans, my mother recently bought my Aunt a Trixie Belden charm.  My sister, my cousins and I have all read them, and recently some of them were reissued in Canada and my mother got them for me and Emily has begun to read them.  I have some of the original editions boxed up, but they are so delicate it's hard to read them.  Trixie was basically a Nancy Drew type except she wasn't rich, she was a normal kid, a tomboy and lived in a normal home and had brothers and a wealthy neighbor who became her best friend Honey.  They solved all sorts of mysteries and I loved them like they were friends.  Even now I can read and re-read them.

There are a million that I can think of but these are the ones that stand out.  I wonder sometimes which are the books that will stand out for my children.  There is an over abundance of books in this house.  It will be interesting to see which ones they remember fondly enough to hold onto or find again when they have grown.

journeys...

I loved your post about Alice and I'm glad you sent her my way to so I could experience her blog.  This post and having read about Alice's situation makes me think about us as individuals and the roads we must travel.  This young girl with all her honesty and bravery really moved me, that at such a young age she can speak so openly about her dreams and honestly about her terminal disease and what that means to her.


One of my favorite musicians, Xavier Rudd, uses the same word over and over in his songs and when he speaks, a word I've come to embrace.  He uses the word "journey" for life, saying on my journey.  I've heard it said about my journey or your journey or someone else's journey.  When you think about it that truly is what life is.


I see things a lot clearer when I accept that my life is a journey.  The word itself seems to indicate not knowing what is ahead on the path.  That you can guess and try to direct yourself but that you don't know what is coming up on the way.  The word journey to me represents that you can expect to encounter hardships along the way, and see those as obstacles to be overcome.  It also, at least to me, allows for the fact that I am going to make mistakes along the way and have to move back on track.


When I first started blogging three years ago, I was very sad and angry.  It was right when I was trying to pick up the pieces of my life after my divorce.  It was when I was trying to understand who I was and trying to acclimate to raising two children alone.  One day someone made a comment on that blog that said essentially that my life was not so hard compared to other single mothers out there and I should quit whining.  I never published that comment and it hurt me dearly.  I know that there are people out there that are suffering more than I am, I know there are people suffering less and I know that there are people suffering differently.  My thought was you don't know me, how can you judge me.


Everyone is on their own journey, Alice, you, me, the woman who posted on my blog three years ago.  Our lives are full of great beauty and great travails.  I think that is what brought me into blogging in the first place, the ability to see and document my journey and to be able to reflect back on it.


I will keep up with Alice, she is a dear soul to have come to know, and I will look into the bone marrow registry here in the States.  I wish Alice a beautiful journey and you too my friend.


Everyone has hopes and dreams.  Everyone has ups and downs.  When you are lucky you find a few kindred spirits along the way.

Weekend Upate: Harvest Festival

It's Sunday and Harvest Day.  

It was unseasonably warm and we welcomed Autumn in t-shirts. 

We brought home another member of the family, her name is Sally.

I'm reasonably exhausted and in bed right now, Sunday night at 9:00 p.m.

But wow we had some fun.

changing seasons.

Hello my friend!  I hope you are mending.  I think of you and your last post and realize how strong in spirit you are. Much stronger than I am.  I hope you are getting your rest and enjoying quiet moments.

It is my turn to write about the coming of autumn.  Now I feel like it is real.  I always want to tell you what the temperature is and then realize we measure our weather in different ways!!  Just last week it still felt like summertime and I was running around in halter dresses, now we're easing into some chilly nights.  The rain seems to keep hanging around, getting a day or two with sunshine and then it's back.  The woods still smell of the mushrooms which seem to be the only ones enjoying the quantitites of rain we are getting.  I am fond of rain but even I am a bit tired of it at this point.

But we've had a couple nights with the windows open and had to find jackets in the morning.  Tonight we sat and we made a list of the things we wanted to do this autumn.  I posted my own list on my blog today. This is my favorite time of year.  I know that for a lot of people spring is their time for renewal and beginnings but  I always feel fall does that for me.

here are a few things of my favorite things:

Right Now: 9.21.11

Jennifer - Fall Is Coming

Here And There: Pocketbooks and Handbags

Here we are our first comparative post.  Handbags, or pocketbooks as we call them.

Here is mine.  You see how big it is.  

I was surprised usually it is filled more with the girl's stuff as well but today it was all, all mine.  

(except the lollipop)

So here you go:

wallet

second wallet for discount and membership cards

checkbook

ipod (dead) in case

four handkerchiefs from the movies

bottle of ibuprofen

dental floss

cell phone

the book i'm reading for lunchtime at work

3 pens, 3 markers, 1 highlighter

tweezers

a paperclip

blue raspberry lollipop (K's)

Harry Potter movie ticket from 8/7/11

heart shaped shell from the beach

3 old grocery lists

school volunteer handbook

i.d. badge for work

tag my sister gave me last Christmas using as bookmark

a dime

Emily's notepad for writing grocery list on the go

orthodontist business card

5 store receipts

3 grocery coupons

1/2 pack chocolate peanut chews

this week's pay stub

photo walk

Everyone keeps speaking of Autumn coming.  Your words the other day brought the season so vividly to my  mind.  It is mid-September, yet it still feels like summer here.  We are all still running about in summer clothes and it is hard to believe crisp weather is peeking around the corner.  I know that soon we will be walking out to see the first signs of frost on the ground.  Karelyn called me out to see the dew across the electric line and a spiderweb glistening this morning as she went to feed our rabbit.  It was a funny coincidence  considering we just read together last night the scene from Charlotte's Web where the first words appear written in fine silk across the doorway of Zuckerman's barn. 

I took a photo walk today after work to shoot some photos of the field across from our house.  I had to walk further down the road to be able to capture a shot with no electrical wires strung across the view.  I was disappointed the sun was still too high and the light too bright.  I did manage a couple of shots like the one above.  I've been taking so many photos lately of life inside the house.  It was nice to get out and walk for a bit with the camera even if the results were less than anticipated.  Sometimes I feel I need more intent with my photos, like I should be photographing something in particular, but more often than not I find I just like to document life, as it happens.  Today was a beautiful day.  Sunny and warm, perhaps one of the last few of it's kind, so why not go grab a piece of it.  So that is exactly what I did.

Weekend Update: Dressing Up Rooms

happy monday!

It seems strange to be writing words here again.  As always the weekend has gone by too fast, back to school and work today.  Sunday we finished cleaning up the girls rooms.  Karelyn got these really amazing decals for her walls.  Owls, birds, hedgehogs and leaves and flowers over all her walls.  A new lamp that matches.  She wants to put a sign on her door that says "Welcome to the Enchanted Forest".


So I'm hoping it brings her the peace she needs to start sleeping again in her own bed.  We've been struggling every night and most nights I've been putting her in with me because I'm too tired to fight it anymore.  She spent some time in there herself Sunday afternoon.  I snuck a shot of her watching Prince Caspian on her bed.   We are all slightly in love with Prince Caspian, but as she says "too young for you, too old for me".  She loves The Chronicles of Narnia almost as much as Harry Potter.  I'm re-reading them right now, only on book two, but she is in bed now (because I'm writing this Sunday night) with The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe on at her bedside but closed so she can listen to it as she goes to sleep.  "Too scary"?  I asked, but she said, "No".


I guess we'll see.  Good to be back with you my friend.  

pictures tell a story

My photo from yesterday is from an ongoing project.  Well, two really.  One is to declutter my house.  Something that is slow moving but getting there.  The second is based on the fact I am a magazine lover and have a gigantic stack of them in my closet.  I've been working hard at going through them pulling out the articles/photos I find useful or pretty, ripping them out and putting them in binders to keep.  Less space.  I've been doing this for years.  Since before my first was born.  I had about six or seven big binders full of home, cooking, holidays, decorating and gift ideas.  When I got divorced my husband took them all along with my beloved Harry Potter (British and US) collections and I never saw them again.  I don't know if he destroyed them or if they went to auction with his stuff, or what.  It broke my heart.

So I started again.  I ordered back issues of my favorite ones on Ebay (about three years worth) and have been working slowly through them.  Three years later I have about half of them bound and another half sitting here on my bedroom floor waiting to be added to the collection.  That photo from yesterday was from the last three magazines I went through.  Now not to get too excited I still have a stack of more recent magazines still in the closet here to go through and there are my magazines I refuse to take the scissors to (British Country Living, Yoga Journal and Bon Appetit) the last two because they were collections handed down to me by my mother, the first because there is just way too much goodness there to even begin to pick out, the whole magazine is delightful.

So now you know my secret obsession.  

So you can imagine how over the moon I was when I found Pinterest online.  It's the exact same thing but kept online and no scissors or binders.  It's fantastic!!  I've had a couple people look at me funny when I've told them about it, but as lovers of photos and inspiration it's a great place to be.

And it says a lot about us doesn't it?  When my husband stole all those binders I had worked so diligently on, placing those little bits I kept as inspiration or that connected with me, I felt like I had lost a little bit of myself. When I page through them now, I see things that inspire and move me.  So when you look at someone's Pinterest boards, it's almost like getting a glimpse of who they are.  I keep adding boards at a steady pace now for food and even a random board for all the stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else.

I think that if I really wanted someone to know me, perhaps all they needed to do was peruse my Pinterest photos?  Funny.  They are here.

I know you've mentioned doing photo posts for August.  I think that's a great idea; perhaps we could learn just as much about each other through photos.

On a side note.....

I'll be happy for you when you get your other half back.  In fact it makes me insanely happy that you are so happy and have that dusty professor to fill your days and nights with.  As I write this you have only one night left! I haven't completely lost my faith in love, it may be tarnished around the edges but underneath it's still there.  That's another day.

concluding the weekend with peace.

I like your slogan.  All shall be well, may perhaps become my new mantra.  When I am at work lost in the chaos, when I am at home overwhelmed by household responsibilities, when I'm about to lose my cool with those daughters of mine, when I sit down in the quiet to bring calm to myself.

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

Something to hold onto there, that one, isn't it?

I tried to do as you said.  I kept off the Internet, minus some random Facebook posts and a little time playing around on Pinterest tonight.  I love that place, don't you?  I didn't take any photos, I didn't edit any photos, the one above is one I did last week.  I didn't browse blogs, or websites, or write.  I just decided to bring myself back into real life a little bit.

But did I slow down.  No.

I did six loads of laundry, cleaned three bathrooms, brushed all the downy hair out of the dog, sorted the rest of the stuff out of my bedroom, cleaned out my cubby of papers out of the kitchen, scrubbed down my counters and cleaned out my refrigerator.  But with rests in between. Still somehow I find myself here tonight wiped out and achy, knowing sadly that tomorrow is Monday again, the girls will be home all day with my father and when I get home my nice clean house will be again in chaos.

It's 10:39 p.m. now.  The house is quiet.  Girls are asleep.  Insects are singing.  Air conditioning is humming.  I'm swaddled in clean sheets and have a cup of tea at my side.  I'm listening to the new Harry Potter soundtrack having been to the movies today to see it.  I could write a post in itself about that.

It's a good night.  It's a good time, this moment.  I'm guessing you have to grab these moments.  These little bits of time when all is calm, when all is quiet, and when I believe all shall be well.  

So how about you, is all well?  I hope so.

P.S.  I forgot to tell you, I had a dream Friday night that I was supposed to be meeting up with you in the afternoon and I arrived and asked someone where you were and they said, "Oh, she's over there right now" and I looked over and you were riding a bicycle down a steep, steep hill in a race with about fifty other people and I thought, oh no, I hope she doesn't expect me to do that too?

Hilarious!

Jennifer:  Summer Hydrangea

Reading and Writing

Happy Monday!  It started off to be a busy weekend here.  The girls went to a ballgame and I went out to dinner with a friend from work Friday night (two nights out in one week, hey).  No great photos like you had it was dark and noisy and my friend is very camera shy.  Saturday we hauled around town, farmstand, grocery, shopping etc.

Today, Sunday, I have found myself attached to the couch.  A pillow, a book and a blanket.  My cousins daughter is here visiting so the girls were mostly occupied with her today.

I almost finished The Time Traveler's Wife today.  I'm very glad you recommended it to me, it has been on my "to read" list but that is ten miles long so it may have taken me awhile to get there.  I think I am finding a special place in my heart for it.  So having a lazy day I am almost done.  It felt good to laze about. 

I have never made a comment though on the book discussion.  I read the book discussion notes in the back of the book today as well and thought: I wouldn't know what to say about the theme of death, I just really, really, like the story.  I felt this way when I was in school and I took a Literary Criticism class.  It was all about reading what people had written about books and discussing it and it was actually the only English class I took that I disliked.  I couldn't help but feel inferior when I didn't get all these great cosmic nuances of the stories.  And who is to say that I read the story incorrectly?  Isn't the best part of reading the fact that you get to personally take something from it?  And doesn't everyone get something individual to themselves out of the tale?

So I tend to shy away from book discussions.  What I can tell you though about this book (and so many others) is they sometimes make me feel inferior.  I love excellent writing but sometimes with my favorite authors and even some of my favorite friends, I think wow, what they have written is beatiful and so eloquent I could never even hope to throw my own writing out there.

Then I realize that the literary world would be quite a dull place if we all wrote with the same voice.  What I have to remember is the words that I string together, the stories I have to tell are that, they are mine and they must be told my way, to the best of my ability.

No one could write what I write so therefore I couldn't dream to write like Audrey Niffeneger, Alice Hoffman or even you or Sara.

I have come to realize that writing for me comes from what I know best and right now that thing is motherhood. I find that is where I find my best voice, where the words tend to flow easiest from the well.  In my heart I guess I know that I should start with motherhood, with daughters, with this experience I've been given and work from there.

Friday, I wrote this piece that I have posted on my blog today about a fight I had with Emily that morning.  I wrote it at lunchtime at work, because it was still on my mind.  I don't think I could write anything with such heart that I didn't have my heart invested in.

On another note, you've been quiet this weekend.  I hope you are well.  I hope perhaps you are taking that Internet break you've been threatening.  I know I could sometimes use it myself. I look forward though to see what's going on over there across the sea.