weekend update: lots of leaves

Making me happy today

A pile of library books, some gorgeous new moisturiser that is making my skin feel wonderful, and a cheery postcard which arrived this morning and made me laugh out loud. 

Just Now Friday A.M. October 28, 2011

Just Now...


Current time: 7:38 a.m.

In my glass: Earl Grey Creme/English Breakfast mix, with milk and honey


In my belly: nothing yet, get girls ready first.


In my ears: whenever i get in a muck, i always turn to Jack Johnson.


Out the window: the cold blew in last night, but i think the sun may make an appearance today.


On the editor: quick pics i took last night of myself for today.


Last watched:  Hawaii Five-O, recently became addicted to this remake, hook, line and sinker.


Feeling good about:  my little one is sick, taking her to the doctor this a.m., but happy to be able to snuggle her up when she needs "mommy".


Feeling bad about: having to use another 10 hours sick time from work to do the above.


By my bedside:  Cyndi Lee's Om Yoga, working out a weekly practice.  i like this book because it's spiral bound and lies flat on the floor.


Making me think: don't know if you've ever seen this, but these three words keep running through my head and that's a good thing.  "i am enough".  link not showing, but the words in bold will take you over.

slump week.

i don't have any photos today myself.  i took a limited amount at the party Saturday, but was too busy playing host, as it should be.  some weeks i pick up the camera and take lots of photos around the house but this week i've just not felt like it.  i'm in this weird sort of slump.  no energy, no enthusiasm, general lack of caring really about doing anything around here.

i can't pinpoint it.  partly recovery after the busy weekend with the party. partly because i've not been sleeping well. partly because i'm pre-menstrual.  partly, because i'm still trying to process the end of this relationship that has had no closure, partly because he cut off contact with me and now I with him. partly because i'm thinking of taking on writing this novel that both thrills and scares the hell out of me, fear of failure, yes.

it's in these times that i, like you, think about de-cluttering, making simple.  but the thought of that is always easier than the actual action, which can seem overwhelming.  if you are anything like me the actual weight of too many things on my mind, can feel more burdensome than any physical strain.  unfortunately, i know my friend you sometimes have the burden of both.

in truth, i've been neglecting the very things that would make me more whole.  i've not been on the yoga mat the past week which has left me with this nervous energy at night, my eating has fallen by the wayside into comfort food overload which leaves me sluggish, and when i should be embracing the wisdom i usually find in Buddhist truths on change and fear, this morning was the first morning i dared sit with a loving kindness meditation and that was driving down the road to work.

it's one of those, oh no, things are a bit burdensome right now kind of weeks.  i'm hoping a quiet weekend and returning to the yoga mat will help.  i may have to pick up the book of my old friend when i'm down, pema chodron.

hope you are feeling better.  cheers to a finer week next week.

Tuesday: inside my head

This coffee is nice, I do enjoy a cup of proper coffee, not instant, with cream, although on this diet I am not supposed to have caffeine. Oh well too bad I forgot to buy decaff.  The sky looks a lovely shade of blue out there through the window, I am not letting it deceive me, I bet it's cold out. Oh look, the sun is just starting to creep over the windowsill, and soon it will light up the orange glass of my art deco vases the way I love. Look at that laundry folded up on the chair, waiting since yesterday to go upstairs, oh and that box of photographs on the floor that I was going to sort out in July. Sigh. Why is the clothes airer there against the wall, that should be in the bathroom, and the vanity case containing my make up is on the floor next to the coffee table, I don't remember leaving that there. I need to find a place for that. I should try to remember to water the poor parched plants today. Oh, the rosebush we got as a wedding present in April still needs to be planted in the garden. It's 12.45 and I have only had one glass of water, how am I going to fit in eight. I wonder if the Prof wants to go to Staples when he gets home for those storage boxes while they are on special offer. I need a glue stick and some posterboard too. It won't be long until Christmas, we had better get a move on and get the house organised, there is no room in this living room for the tree now we have our new table, don't know what to do about that. I could have got some laundry done today if I had realised the weather was going to be dry. I'll do it tomorrow, bet it rains. I really didn't feel like cooking that breakfast, but I enjoyed it. Wish I could have some fruit, strawberries would be nice. Maybe I will get some to take to Jennie's on Sunday. The dog needs a bath, oh I hate that job she is so hard to lift and she is terrified of water, defective labrador.  I haven't taken any photos for a while, I must take some, I'll have none to post. I haven't done last week's photographic assignment for the Unravelling course either, or the collage but once I have the glue stick and card I can get going on that. I am really enjoying Jamrach's Menagerie, didn't fancy it much at first but Richard Madeley said it's the best book he has read in fifteen years, which was intriguing enough to make me try it. I might just curl up on the sofa this afternoon and read it, though I do have numerous episodes of House of Eliot to watch, maybe I should just delete those, I will never get round to it. I wonder if Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy is still showing locally with subtitles. I think I'll have another coffee.

weekend update: sunday breakfast, october style

it's officially fall now, the date having changed almost a month ago, but really feeling it now.  this morning i tried a new recipe for baked oatmeal.  i used thawed frozen blueberries and fresh apples, but you could actually make it with any combination of amazing fruits.  it got a triple thumbs up, the girls having devoured two great big platefuls this morning fresh from the oven.  even emily's friend "witchy cat" newly found from the basement with the halloween decorations seemed to agree.  next sunday will be the morning after the girl's halloween party.  do you do all the halloween shenanigans and trick-or-treating there in England?  I imagine after entertaining a dozen young girls for the evening Saturday, we will be having a very easy breakfast next weekend.

sharing burdens

because you know me so well you know it's been a trying week

this month is a very busy month for us

much to do every weekend

our own making

we will go to renaissance faire next week

and then the girls will have a halloween party the next

in it all i've been worried about my baby

and i've ended a relationship i think i had no business starting

but i've had long conversations with you and several other friends

and i've realized we've all got our burdens and our problems

and perhaps what we do is just pass it around

and we feel a little better because we speak it aloud

and we know we are not alone with our burdens

because when you stay alone with your fears

suddenly the world is a very scary place

i am glad for you friend

maybe i don't find the time to say it in the day to day

you have become a blessing for me

knowing you are just an email away

never judging, always supportive

all these miles away 

never having met

but understanding

thank you

Weekend Update: a little bit of fall

Here and There: 10 Things About me

1/  My (unfortunate) favorite food is pasta.  Any kind, any way.

2/  I can make the perfect sound of a seagull in my throat.

3/  I love the sound of the cello, so morbid and beautiful at the same time.

4/  I am a night owl.  It is a struggle for me to get to bed before ten and wake before six.  I do it only out of necessity and very reluctantly.

5/  Though I've promised to always keep my hair long, I rarely ever wear it down.  I can't stand it in my face.  

6/  I've decided that finally at the age of 40 next year I am going to get a tattoo.  A small one, a word, on my foot. Ouch!

7/  When I drive past animals killed on the road, I always say Bless You.  Roadkill irritates me.  I've been driving now for twenty-three years and I've hit an animal accidentally twice.  I wish people would slow down and pay attention.  I've also been known to bless, gloves, bags and empty fast food containers before realizing what they are.

8/ I've had too much to drink three times in my life, once in my failed first year at college, once two nights before my wedding day in celebration and once during the horrible period of my divorce.  Now that I am a single mother I would never dream to do it again.


9/  When I was young I was a sleepwalker.  I once unloaded the refrigerator into my toy shopping cart and once walked out the door to my neighbor's house in my sleep.  Karelyn is a sleepwalker too.

10/  And lastly, I love goats.  More than any other farm animal.  My great-grandparents kept goats right here in this very spot where I live now.  Here is a photo my grandmother gave me of me and the goats in what is now my backyard. Super cool huh?  Maybe one day after I raise my own kids.

one step at a time

(a moment at home)

I loved your last post.  I had actually never heard that quote before, probably given my fondness for elephants and all, but no, really how much sense does that make.

It seems that to me everything is best taken one step at a time.  I have found it so much easier to not think too far ahead.  We are very similiar in very different ways.  Though I do not have your medical issues that keep me from doing everything I would like, I do have some major time constraints.  Somedays I get disheartened by what has not been done and forget to look at all that has been done which in themselves seem like mundane things but are really a lot of littles that add up to a lot.  Tonight I patted myself on the back because I cleaned the cat bin, cooked dinner, did the dishes, made sure homework was done, signed off on school papers, got library books in the backpacks for school tomorrow, made tea and picked up for my parent's visit tonight and got Karelyn in and out of the bath. To think that I was up at 6:00 a.m. packed lunches, made breakfast and got us all ready to go out the door and worked a full day, makes me quite proud.

But about the home.  Yes, I know.  I have been in my current home now, three years.  I have absolutely nothing on my walls except a lone calendar.  I still have no furniture in my bedroom, just a bed and a file cabinet holding my lamp and alarm clock.  The basement still holds a mass of clutter that dates back to the move from the divorce.  And then there is the dog that is leaving masses of hair everywhere she walks and lays.

I did get some furniture for the living room with a lump sum child support settlement and we painted last year, the girls getting pretty pink and purple rooms and a beautiful spring green for my bathroom.  It's amazing what a little color can do.

I think you are doing the right thing, doing one bit.  Now I operate in a very simple manner.  I try very hard not to multi-task anymore, it usually ends up in disaster.  If I had started the day looking at that long paragraph above here I would have fallen in to panic or perhaps (as I'm prone to do) frozen and not done anything.  In fact for a moment this morning when the girls were bickering non-stop, I almost contemplated calling work and crawling back into bed.  (Obviously, I didn't).  So now it is this.

Now I am cooking.  (Don't look at dishes in sink).  Now we are going to do homework.  Now we are packing lunches.   Now I am going to go upstairs and take a hot bath.  Sometimes things get forgotten, emails to friends, piles of papers on the stairs, a form that needed filled out in the kitchen.  But oh well.

I hope you continue on this little homemaking journey and manage great success one corner, one stack one (literal) step at a time.

I hope to somehow get there myself.  And remember when all else fails, if the people who fill up your home are smiling, then it is a happy one, and that's all that counts.

P.S.  I remember you had a photo one day of your kitchen with a lemon shaped timer in it.  I just went all the way through this blog and realized perhaps I saw it on your personal blog.  I am a great believer in setting the timer for fifteen to twenty minutes and having a go at it.

Here and There: Favorite Childhood Books

my beloved Trixie Belden series

One of the first books I remember loving and reading and re-reading was called "The Adventures of a Brownie".  I don't know where it came from and I've tried to find it again but it is difficult to find.  I did find an online version here, but the illustrations seem different than from my memory.  I think they were different because I remember Brownie looking tiny and not so very scary and the book had an old brown or green cover I cannot remember which and the cover was very thready.  This is the same version of the story though for I remember Brownie living in the coal cellar and I remember the cat and Dolly the cow.  I see the publish date was 1947, so I don't know how we came to have it, whether it was my mother's or picked up somewhere, perhaps I will see if she remembers, but always I remember it being one I would pick up and read over and over again.

That is the one I remember from the furthest back.  There are others though that I have loved enough to hunt down and collect.

There were two other books I also remember reading over and over again and strangely they were about dolls.  I never remember playing with dolls growing up, but somehow I took to these books.  There was a pink book that was illustrated by Edward Gorey (I loved the illustrations before I even was old enough to know how cool Edward Gorey was) and it was called Merry, Rose and Christmas Tree June and I remember Jane's Great Aunt wanting to show her off and going to the Doll-Arama that had all the fancy dolls and always remember the description and crazy picture of one's hair falling out.  In the end Jane fancies a plain old doll that doesn't "do" anything on an upper shelf behind forgotten Christmas ornaments.

The other book was from when I was a bit older and it was called Behind The Attic Wall and an unloved orphan goes to live with her Great-Aunts (again with the great Aunts) and hears voices beyond the wall where she discovers living dolls, a mystery, love, and imagination.  I actually bought this book for Emily to read a year ago.  She didn't seem to be as fond of it as I was, but it remains my favorite and I'm glad to have it to read again.

Most of all though the one that has stuck with me was the Trixie Belden mystery series.  Trixie Belden is the thing in my family.  We have all read them.  My mother and my Aunts read them.  They are huge fans, my mother recently bought my Aunt a Trixie Belden charm.  My sister, my cousins and I have all read them, and recently some of them were reissued in Canada and my mother got them for me and Emily has begun to read them.  I have some of the original editions boxed up, but they are so delicate it's hard to read them.  Trixie was basically a Nancy Drew type except she wasn't rich, she was a normal kid, a tomboy and lived in a normal home and had brothers and a wealthy neighbor who became her best friend Honey.  They solved all sorts of mysteries and I loved them like they were friends.  Even now I can read and re-read them.

There are a million that I can think of but these are the ones that stand out.  I wonder sometimes which are the books that will stand out for my children.  There is an over abundance of books in this house.  It will be interesting to see which ones they remember fondly enough to hold onto or find again when they have grown.

journeys...

I loved your post about Alice and I'm glad you sent her my way to so I could experience her blog.  This post and having read about Alice's situation makes me think about us as individuals and the roads we must travel.  This young girl with all her honesty and bravery really moved me, that at such a young age she can speak so openly about her dreams and honestly about her terminal disease and what that means to her.


One of my favorite musicians, Xavier Rudd, uses the same word over and over in his songs and when he speaks, a word I've come to embrace.  He uses the word "journey" for life, saying on my journey.  I've heard it said about my journey or your journey or someone else's journey.  When you think about it that truly is what life is.


I see things a lot clearer when I accept that my life is a journey.  The word itself seems to indicate not knowing what is ahead on the path.  That you can guess and try to direct yourself but that you don't know what is coming up on the way.  The word journey to me represents that you can expect to encounter hardships along the way, and see those as obstacles to be overcome.  It also, at least to me, allows for the fact that I am going to make mistakes along the way and have to move back on track.


When I first started blogging three years ago, I was very sad and angry.  It was right when I was trying to pick up the pieces of my life after my divorce.  It was when I was trying to understand who I was and trying to acclimate to raising two children alone.  One day someone made a comment on that blog that said essentially that my life was not so hard compared to other single mothers out there and I should quit whining.  I never published that comment and it hurt me dearly.  I know that there are people out there that are suffering more than I am, I know there are people suffering less and I know that there are people suffering differently.  My thought was you don't know me, how can you judge me.


Everyone is on their own journey, Alice, you, me, the woman who posted on my blog three years ago.  Our lives are full of great beauty and great travails.  I think that is what brought me into blogging in the first place, the ability to see and document my journey and to be able to reflect back on it.


I will keep up with Alice, she is a dear soul to have come to know, and I will look into the bone marrow registry here in the States.  I wish Alice a beautiful journey and you too my friend.


Everyone has hopes and dreams.  Everyone has ups and downs.  When you are lucky you find a few kindred spirits along the way.

right now: 9.28.11

jennifer - a good start

Weekend Upate: Harvest Festival

It's Sunday and Harvest Day.  

It was unseasonably warm and we welcomed Autumn in t-shirts. 

We brought home another member of the family, her name is Sally.

I'm reasonably exhausted and in bed right now, Sunday night at 9:00 p.m.

But wow we had some fun.

Here and There: My Favorite Place To Think

(the leaves haven't changed yet, i took this last year)

This is the back part of my yard.  There is a patch of what I call "starry night moss" there off the right where sometimes I walk barefoot and sink my feet into like a lush natural carpet.  Sometimes when I am frustrated or need to work something out I settle in there with my thoughts or a journal.  This year there is a stack of wood directly behind where I was standing taking this photo and sometimes I put myself in time out there.  When I start to blow my temper at the girls I will march out and sit my behind on those logs, close my eyes and count to ten.  Then there is the back path.  You've heard me write about the "back path" on my blog.  It starts off to the right just inside the woods and loops up behind my grandmother's house next door.  Close enough to hear the girls but trees on either side.  I take the dog out there to walk in the morning and sometimes I just walk out there to meditate with the trees. 

When I was little I spent a lot of time with my grandparents.  They watched me while my mother worked when I was real young and I spent many summers and weekends there growing up.  When I was little that woods seemed to stretch on forever and it felt like you could really get lost in there.  My cousins and I would pull logs together and outline houses and sweep out all the leaves and make rooms and play house.  Now when I look out I can actually see the houses peeking through from the other side and it seems so much smaller.   Funny how your perspective changes.

I feel amazingly lucky to have this place.  I have always found myself at my worst moments reaching for the trees and feel lucky that I have so many beauties to surround myself with.  Something about their age, their strong roots and the way the wind whispers to them, makes me feel like they are wise and have an easy ear.  

changing seasons.

Hello my friend!  I hope you are mending.  I think of you and your last post and realize how strong in spirit you are. Much stronger than I am.  I hope you are getting your rest and enjoying quiet moments.

It is my turn to write about the coming of autumn.  Now I feel like it is real.  I always want to tell you what the temperature is and then realize we measure our weather in different ways!!  Just last week it still felt like summertime and I was running around in halter dresses, now we're easing into some chilly nights.  The rain seems to keep hanging around, getting a day or two with sunshine and then it's back.  The woods still smell of the mushrooms which seem to be the only ones enjoying the quantitites of rain we are getting.  I am fond of rain but even I am a bit tired of it at this point.

But we've had a couple nights with the windows open and had to find jackets in the morning.  Tonight we sat and we made a list of the things we wanted to do this autumn.  I posted my own list on my blog today. This is my favorite time of year.  I know that for a lot of people spring is their time for renewal and beginnings but  I always feel fall does that for me.

here are a few things of my favorite things:

Right Now: 9.21.11

Jennifer - Fall Is Coming

Just words

No photograph today. I am very tired. A lovely weekend filled with driving on the coast and in the country, taking photographs, a vintage fair filled with all sorts of delights, a wonderful dinner with good friends, and I am exhausted. It seems there is always this pay off for having a good time. What am I to do, when the alternative is to stay at home and rest all the time? I rarely leave the house on weekdays as it is. I long for the weekends, when the Prof is home and we have the car and usually go out somewhere. I just hate that it often takes me half the week or more to recover.

I am in good spirits, I am not depressed, which is remarkable really as being able to do as little as I seem to be able to IS damn depressing. I try to take pleasure in little things - my coffee with cream in the mornings, reading, the flowers in the garden (the ones that survive with no care whatsoever as I haven't been able to do anything out there this year at all), time with friends - though each visit or outing has its payback.  The truth is, weekdays are boring. It's not that I don't go out to work - hell, I don't need a job to amuse myself. There are courses I could take (creative writing, photography, yoga, a degree?) places to go (museums, art galleries, parks, cafes to write), things to do at home (organising, decluttering, decorating, baking, gardening, writing) - but the truth is I can only manage to do a tiny bit of what I would like to. Some days I can do very little at all - those days are the worst, when holding my arms up long enough to brush my hair is difficult, and taking a shower and making a cup of tea and some toast is the most I manage all day. So mostly, weekdays find me at home and doing very little. Yet sometimes I get away with it. I spend a couple of hours walking around the shops, or go out somewhere with a friend, and the next day I feel fine! A miracle that has me smiling all day. Too often, though, the next day I wake up feeling dreadful and realise the payback was just deferred.

I am realising there are activities I find restful (reading, country drives in the car) and others which sap me. Writing and thinking both tire me, so I am left in a quandary. I enjoy writing, but it and the associated thinking and planning wear me out. On a bad day, brain fog and inability to concentrate mean it can take me hours to write a blog post. This isn't the post I started out to write today, but this is how I feel. I am so very tired. I feel like I need a long, long rest. The trouble is I almost always feel like that.

monday morning blues

the weekend was a full blast of homemaking tedium, multiple loads of laundry and an illusionist show thrown in for a bit of fun.  i can't believe it's monday morning already and i'm in work clothes with a bowl of oatmeal and fruit.  it's picture day at school today, so we are having hair drama.  happy monday!!

Here And There: Pocketbooks and Handbags

Here we are our first comparative post.  Handbags, or pocketbooks as we call them.

Here is mine.  You see how big it is.  

I was surprised usually it is filled more with the girl's stuff as well but today it was all, all mine.  

(except the lollipop)

So here you go:

wallet

second wallet for discount and membership cards

checkbook

ipod (dead) in case

four handkerchiefs from the movies

bottle of ibuprofen

dental floss

cell phone

the book i'm reading for lunchtime at work

3 pens, 3 markers, 1 highlighter

tweezers

a paperclip

blue raspberry lollipop (K's)

Harry Potter movie ticket from 8/7/11

heart shaped shell from the beach

3 old grocery lists

school volunteer handbook

i.d. badge for work

tag my sister gave me last Christmas using as bookmark

a dime

Emily's notepad for writing grocery list on the go

orthodontist business card

5 store receipts

3 grocery coupons

1/2 pack chocolate peanut chews

this week's pay stub